Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go…
                                        S i l e n t ???

Let me assist you in recalling…

…. the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look
back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are
leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards
independence.

….. the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you!
You don’t say anything.. you just smile back..

….. the moment when you get better marks than you expected… those
"numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"…

….. the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the
train has just started… and you are standing on the door of the
wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast…

… .. the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told you,
"You are through! Congrats!"

….. the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told
everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those
moments.. as if it was "understood"… happiness, joy, pain.. all
feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the ‘years’ that passed in those
flash moments!

They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence".

Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support.
Non-cooperation…

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??

When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes
on in his husky voice…
….. Please forgive me. I can’t stop loving you!

Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that
you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake
looking at the roof of your room silently…

But you sure are ‘thinking’… those moments of self-talk are the
most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own
hearts! Those promises… those decisions… those are the moments
when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent… listen carefully to what your heart is
saying.. listen to its joy…listen to its pain.. listen to its
fears.. listen to its desires..

and Be in touch with your true self…

It was quarter to one at night when I hit the door bell. My wife opened the door. She had been awake as usual. Waiting for me had become a daily routine for her. Unlike I expected, the house looked normal. I put my laptop on the recliner and went straight into my bedroom, freshened up and got busy with the book – "An autobiography of a yogi."

My wife came in with a piece of cake in her hand. "We waited for you till 9. But it was getting late and your parents pushed to carry on and finish", she said handing over that cake to me. Something stung me deeply for it was my daughter"s first birthday. I had almost forgotten that I had a daughter and a feeling of guilt told me that I did not deserve that piece of cake; it felt heavy when the first bite went down my throat.

"Karthik," she used to call me by name, "look at me", she said. I turned my gaze away from the book onto her face. I saw tears in her eyes. "Have I, in the last two years, ever asked you why you come home late every day? Have I ever asked you to take me out with you, even to the temple that you go alone every weekend? Have I ever told
you how it feels to attend family functions without you?" I turned back to the book. "Karthik, please look at me, will you? I need an answer today."

I always knew that I would have to face this sometime. "No, you wouldn"t understand even if I tell", I replied. "Really? What is it? Please tell me. I know that you agreed to our marriage only because you did not want to disappoint your parents. I know that I"m your wife only for the sake of it. But why should Gaargi suffer because of all this? Doesn"t she deserve to be called your daughter? What is her fault?" my wife asked with tears running down. She had never cried in front of me. I looked at my one year old daughter; Gaargi was special to me, for her name reminded me of a very special person in my life.

"Srishti, I am really very sorry. I don"t know how to tell all this and I"m not sure how you"ll take it. You are not my first love. I had never liked any girl in my life until I met a very nice person who, I decided, would not only be my first love but also the only love in my entire life", my eyes started to fill up, "I can never imagine my life without…" "Your mother told me. I know everything but I wanted you to tell", she interrupted. I wasn"t surprised; two years is a very long time for a secret to be kept in a family. It looked like
she wanted me to somehow raise this and then she started.

"Karthik, have I ever made you feel that I had been betrayed by someone who I thought would be the only person in my life?" Her question confused me for a moment, "Is she talking about me?" I asked myself. "He, not you, was the first man in my life and I too had dreamt that he will be the only one ever. But our relationship collapsed after 5 months of our engagement when I came to know that he was already married. My parents were more than broken when they found this out, for they were the ones who had found this person through some marriage bureau. I went into depression and had attempted suicide twice, but somehow survived. See, even God does not want me. So I decided to live on as life takes me, although I knew that I will not be able to forget
any bit of it."

It took some time for all this to sink in. I was perplexed.

"Karthik, I know that you too had given all the love of your life to her. I also know that she never reciprocated your love and that she was never ready to accept you as her man even though you were ready to sacrifice yourself for her. But don"t you think it should always flow both ways? Don"t you think that it is not worth crying over someone who cannot feel your love? Is it fair on your part to ignore someone who is craving for your love and actually deserves it? Look into my eyes. Don"t you see anything which suggests that I deserve to be loved by you? I know Karthik, I know that there"s some space in your heart that has been made for me. I can see it in your eyes too. When I look into them I do not feel sad that there"s a lot of pain in it. Instead I see that part of it which tells me that I"m not completely unwanted. So I ask you the same thing that you had asked her, "Please give me a chance". Don"t tell me that you cannot love me even a little. I know you do and Gaargi is the proof."

I could not speak more. Srishti too could not. She rested her head on my shoulder. For the first time I kissed on her forehead.

I guess that is what one has to learn. First love is very special. It is something to be remembered for a lifetime but not something for which an entire life can be wasted in grieving over it.

I opened Akshay’s diary and I leafed through the pages.

The initial pages…

‘This is the third year Akshay. For three years, we have been in love’ Megha said, and continued, ‘I couldn’t have asked for more. You have been a great source of inspiration and help for me. You have been my best friend and you are the reason for shaping my career, my life and my happiness as well….’

The engineering final semester results are out and Megha as well as I passed out with flying colors. Megha always had problems with her studies since the time she’s joined engineering stream.

I was always with her in all walks of life. Life after college. Be it ragging or be it studies or be it extracurricular activities or be it life…

And finally a day after our first year examinations Megha proposed to me, and I accepted her whole heartedly. In fact I always said ‘I dint propose her, neither did she propose me… Love just happened between us’

A few pages later on…

She lay her head on my shoulder and gripped my arm firmly. ‘Please don’t go, please, I will do whatever you want me to, don’t leave me and go’ she said, even as her tears wet my shirt. I put my hand over her shoulder pinching her cheeks and said, ‘I love you’. There was a slight smile on her face and she burst crying once again. We alighted down the taxi and walked towards the platform.

The train was already standing on the platform and I docked my luggage underneath the seat and got down from the train. ‘Where is she’ I thought when she ran to me and hugged me from behind. I slowly turned back and hugged her close to my heart with my chin reaching her head and I kissed her ‘smooch’ on her forehead. There were tears in her eyes as I was about to leave in another few minutes. I held her shoulders and bent down a little and said, ‘Don’t cry, look into my eyes’, I said even when she I wiped the tears off her brows and she came close to me again and hugged me.

‘I am gonna miss you’ she said and I replied, ‘so am I’ when a loud blare interrupted our conversation. ‘I think it’s time for me to leave. Take care of yourself. I will talk to you over the phone. I will come now and then to see you’ I said and I pulled her close to me once again and I kissed her on her forehead. And….

Even as I flipped more pages…

‘Megha’, I Called her over the phone ‘I secured a good score in GMAT…’ I told her, ‘perhaps I may get a call from Harvard in a month or two, I have already applied.’

‘Congrats Akshay’ Megha said.

‘I love you, Megha…’ I told her and she replied by kissing over the phone which would remind me of her wet lip marks on my cheek when she kissed me for real.

I called her after few days again. ‘Megha, I need some work experience man. Perhaps a year or two. So I was asked to re-apply after that. Since the score is valid for five years….’ I told her.

I flipped few more pages…

I have reached Megha’s home to talk to her parents about our marriage. Her mom hated me from the beginning. She looked at me as if I was a pest in her house. I wanted to talk to their parents initially before I bring my parents for further talks. Any kinda ego clashes and mine and Megha’s future‘s gone.

Even though her dad was kinda ok with my job and my future plans, her mom wasn’t ready to offer her daughter’s hand in marriage.

Caste issues, love and society, birth stars and astrology… what not … all this shit hindered our marriage. And her mom simply said, ‘Get out’.

I never took it to heart. I will also become a dad in the future and if my daughter says that she loves some one, I will also certainly not be happy with her decision. But at least I would give it a thought. And with the same hope, I never stopped trying. I was always behind her. I begged her. I requested her. I tried to convince her. No avail.

One day, I finally received a call from Megha. ‘Akshay’, she was in tears. ‘My mom strictly cautioned me that she would end her life, if I still think about our marriage… you temme what I should do…’

I had no words. There’s no point in building a love palace over the dead bodies of our parents.

And that was the last time I spoke to Megha…..

Flipping few more pages…

For more than a year, I wasn’t able to forget her. I raved like a lunatic on the roads. At times felt like killing myself. I have seen Megha donating alms to a beggar. ‘Poor guy’ she used to tell. ‘What about me…’ I cried out loud falling onto my knees even as it rained along the beach and my tears drained along with the dripping droplets.

The sun would rise from deep within the sea only to remind me of the actual horror I am facing from deep within my heart. ‘Why did you introduce me to her, God?’ I shouted at him, ‘When you knew that we wouldn’t get married…’

A few months later, I came to know that Megha was married to a well to do guy from Harvard’s. And my heart broke like a piece of delicate glass when dropped onto a floor.

It took me one full year to recover. Five years of love has fetched me nothing but pain. Pain which I will never be able to forget throughout my life. Pain which will never make Akshay the same again. Pain which took my life away from me. Pain which I never wish would happen to some one else. Pain Pain Pain… There’s nothing left in my life…

Two total years I have suffered. Two years I have done nothing in my life. Two years I was jobless and spent them in pain and suffering. And I missed the opportunity to study at Harvard’s. My career’s spoiled too.

As I write this part of the diary, my heart is weeping even after 10 years she’s married. Out of my parents pressure I too married another girl. After all life has to go on. I was living just because my body was alive, but my soul was already dead long back. I had a daughter and I named her Megha in the fond memory of my dead love and my beloved Megha.

How was a child born to me and my wife? Yes I had no interest in the intercourse and the kid was a result of the subconscious male instincts, not love. I had no interest in the woman who married me. Even if I touch her or see her, I could only see Megha in her. Instead of me cheating her and cheating myself, it’s better that I remain far away from her. I was never happy with her. My heart burdened with the feeling that I have wasted the life of a beautiful and a considerate woman. And the kid, I was always reminded of the fact that my ex-lover Megha wanted me to name the kid with my name if it’s a male and I wished to have her named Megha, if it’s a female. I am worried about her future too. I will never ever be a good husband or a good dad, and thanks to you Megha for gifting me this in return for all the love, I have lighted the wick of my heart which ultimately burnt my heart and melted it.

Why have you done this to me Megha? Life hurts. I haven’t dreamt of this kind of life. Ten years I have wasted raving and craving about you. You came, you loved and then you broke and left. But it will take a life time for me to repair that broken heart…….

The diary ended…

There were tears in my eyes as I finished reading the diary. I was at a marriage when I met Akshay again after 10 long years. He came to me and when I asked about his well being, he handed over a diary after opening his bag.

‘Megha’ a voice called me out. ‘Let’s go to the beach and enjoy…’ he said. That’s Nikhil, my husband.

Life is totally different now Akshay after the sharp turn which it took separating us forever. You might have suffered for 2 years or 10 years. I was suffering and will be suffering for the rest of my life; in fact lives to come by. Nikhil is a nice man. I have spoiled his life too. He had always been a very good friend and a good husband. But I have never been a good wife. And my son, I love him, cos he’s Akshay.

And what all pain and suffering you have undergone, I underwent umpteen times the same.

Lost in thoughts, I began to draw, with my finger the symbol of love and wrote ‘Akshay & Megha’ and was looking at those words in deep thought when I felt a hand fell over my shoulder. It was my son Akshay. ‘Just like you Akshay, I have named my kid after you’ I thought when a huge wave made its way towards us, even as I pulled my son away from it.

The wave erased the symbol of love and the words written inside it, on these sands of separation….

My name is Amisha, Amisha Bhatnagar. I am 31 years old born and brought up in Mumbai. I have done my PhD. in psychology but currently, I am a housewife. I love painting, music, cooking etc and etc. No. this isn’t an excerpt from my curriculum vitae but an excerpt from my life. An incident that changed my life forever.

I was married to Rohan Bhatnagar for almost seven years. We have a kid who’s three year old. And I am a happy to do house wife, with god’s grace, as I have a loving husband and the apple of my eyes, my small kid.

Born and brought up in Mumbai, I had to travel all this way from the west coast of Arabian to this beach stretch on the Bay of Bengal as my husband is based in Chennai.

Except for the scorching heat of Mr. Helios in the summer, I very much like this place. Classes and masses apart, Chennai reflects a unique blend of cultures and traditions just like Mumbai.

We stay in an apartment near the Besant Nagar beach. And we have made it a habit to take a stroll along the beach every morning. As usual we were sauntering with the wet sand touching our senses, Chinnu (that’s how I address my kid as) came running to me shouting under that childish delight when you find something odd or strange.

“Momma, look what I have found,” he was spoke with the kiddy accent, stressing the ‘m’ from Momma and ‘k’ from look. I embosomed him with my arms and took the odd thing in my hands. It was a bottle, a corked bottle with a letter inside it.

I hail from a very orthodox family. My mom and dad were liberal, in the sense that they allowed me to study till this point, considering the orthodoxy of my ancestors.

“Boys flirt a lot. I am not saying all boys are bad, but most of them are. Even if you are confronted by Mr. Right, he may be of a different caste and you will bring disgrace to your family, your very own dad and mom who loved you so much and brought you up,” my mom was always skeptical about me having male friends. And true to their expectations I never even looked at a guy, in fact never spoken to anyone else from outside.

Call me narrow-minded or immature or whatever. For me, my parents are everything. They are my world. Juts for the sake of something called love, I can’t wreak havoc in my beautiful family. Of course many of my friends as well as you may beg to differ with me. But you can’t make me shift preferences or my way of thinking.

I was doing my PhD in psychology at Bhavan’s in Mumbai. There was this certain guy who used to follow me, everyday to my home whenever it was late at night. Initially I thought somebody was trying to stalk me, but later on I came to know that he was kinda protecting me.

Of all jobs in this world, I thought he was jobless to follow me around and save me. But still I never hated him. I admired him, for he liked me and yet he never spoke to me. There were days when I walked along the deserted roads of Juhu beach road in the wake of midnight under the cover of the moon. But I never felt I was lonely or insecure, thanks to that guy.

All these days I have been so selfish. Probably he’s thinking that one day I might yield to his sincerity or whatsoever. One fine day, it was late at night as usual I was walking down the road when he followed me. I stopped and looked behind and gave him an angry stare that would have reduced him to ashes. But somehow he survived and perhaps he understood the meaning of that stare.

He stopped following me.

Every night I walked down these roads of Mumbai from Juhu to my home, my eyes involuntarily groped for him quite inexplicably.

Nobody can understand the depth of a woman’s convoluted mind. As long as some one follows you or loves you, we neglect him and once he’s away we know how much he meant for us.

And one day, all of a sudden, from nowhere he appeared before me and said this in a low voice, “Hi Amisha, I have known you since the time you are in college. That’s more than four and half years from now. I loved you at first sight. But had I told you at that time, you wouldn’t have believed me. And so I took my time to realize whether it’s true love or not…” and he paused for a while.

“I love you…” he finished.

God!!! I never expected this from him, I thought with that girlish meanness. I never thought he’s like every one else, every other guy on the streets. What all impression I had about him seemed to have vanished into thin air. The idolatrousness for him doesn’t exist anymore.

What big mistake did he make? He just proposed me. He hasn’t committed any heinous crime after all. But why I think this way? Perhaps the milieu enwombing me under which I was brought up. Or ….

I never said ‘Yes’ and at the same time, I never said a ‘NO’. Perhaps that meant a probable affirmation to him that he proposed three more times.

And the last time I met him, I said, “Look, I don’t know anything about you. You are a perfect stranger. Even if you were friends, I wouldn’t have loved you perhaps. Even if I loved you, my parents would anyways reject this love and of course me too. I know you have wasted so much precious time of yours.  Don’t any more. Please ….” I stood in front of him with my hands clasped close as if I were praying, in fact urging him.

It was an earnest request. I should have told him the same long back. Nevertheless, it’s not too late for anything.

He just gave me a smile. A smile which probably meant ‘Do you know what love means or do you know what it feels like to love or to be loved?’

“Ok. Forget all these things, can you atleast prove that you love me? More than anyone else in this world, even more than my parents?”

He was quiet for some time. He looked around and then picked up a bottle. He wrote a letter, and then pushed the letter into the bottle and flung it far into the sea.

“The message will reach you, and then you will understand how much….” he stopped.

That was the last time I ever saw him again.

Then I was married to Rohan.

And today Chinnu found a bottle with a message in it, which read, “I love you…. Chikku” (Chikku, that’s how he used to call me)

My feet trembled and the whole world shattered right infront of me. Thousands of miles, the bottle travelled and reaching its destination might not be a fluke or a mere coincidence. It’s just love, pure love. Probably the greatest of them all. Tears inadvertently cascaded down my cheeks. He loved me so much? I asked myself….

I am proud to have been loved by a great man who proved his love. And at the same time, I missed him. I missed him so much and all for a bottle of love.

“I love you too” I replied to that letter and signed Chikku and sealed it in the same bottle and flung it far into the sea.

Life has to go on. And I am already married. But perhaps I will never forget my paramour throughout my life.

My name is Amisha, and this is my story, a story worth the pages in my diary called life.

These are the DO’s and DONT’s for babe care..

12►

What does it take to move forward in life? One of the key things needed to move forward is the ability to focus. The mind must be clear about what it needs to focus on. There are times when it is critical to focus on what is taking place at that time. My advice is to focus on what is most important or that appears to be the priority. If you do not focus on what is most important; you could be in real trouble in the near or not to distance future.

Another key point to moving forward in life is having the ability see success. If someone is unable to see success then they may never feel inspired to seek greater achievements in life. There must be inside the heart something that enables one to see success. If we look at most people who have done well moving forward in life; we will see that they all had the ability to see success.

Well, if you have not watched the movie, “Meet the Robinsons” then do so. It is such a lovely movie.

What I love about the movie is its message, which is: Keep moving forward. No matter how many times you fail, keep trying because eventually you’ll succeed. There’s even a quote at the end of the movie from Walt Disney himself that contains the phrase in it. [If you're the cynical type, don’t be so quick to dismiss the message as trite. Even if you’re not an animated film fan, check out the movie for a dose of inspiration.]

The message is so simple and yet so profound. It’s easy for all of us to develop a bit of an inferiority complex as we struggle to find a career we love and pursue it. I experienced many failures myself as I was making my transition—from exploring lots of possibilities and feeling like none of them was the right one, to trying to create a financial plan for how to make it happen and not seeing a way out, to trying to be grateful for what I already had and feeling miserable instead.

If your goal is precious, and it is, Walt Disney’s words are poignant, inspirational, and on point. Here’s what he said:

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

Life can hit hard. Sometimes you get knocked down when you don’t even see it coming. Some are cheap shots, some are glancing blows and some can bring you to your knees. When this happens, it’s not about how hard you get hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, but still find the strength to keep moving forward. It’s about having the will to continue in spite of the obstacles.

When you get hit, do you stay down? Or do you reach down somewhere deep inside of you and pull up the courage that lifts you back on your feet to keep moving forward? You do have a choice. Consider these Nine Ways to Keep Moving Forward when you are faced with this choice again.

Forget Regret

Leave your mistakes and regret in the past. They don’t define your value, then or now. When you stay in the past you become stuck and unable to move forward. We all have made mistakes with our job choices, friends and relationships. The consequences can hit us pretty hard. However, to begin learning how to put these experiences behind us – by letting them go, we can begin to live in the here and now. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and keep moving forward.

Learn from Failure

Learning from failure and having regret are two separate things. Regret is an emotion; a feeling of disappointment along with a modest amount of shame or guilt. But to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices to keep moving forward.

Ask for Help

You are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift you up if asked. All you have to do is ask. Consider co-workers, neighbors, or your church. Often times we are afraid to ask because we don’t believe we are worthy to receive the help. Think about this: we are surrounded by millions and millions of people by design – for a purpose. A hand to grasp, a shoulder to cling, and a face to radiate hope can help you to keep moving forward.

Believe You are Worthy

Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. The closer you get to it is when the enemy of you soul will begin putting doubt in your mind by playing the self-limiting tapes that say you are not worthy. Replace these old tapes with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire and to keep moving forward.

Take 100% Responsibility

Except in rare and unfortunate circumstances, you are responsible for the quality and condition of your life. Your career, your relationships and your happiness are all under your direct control. Sometimes we choose to do nothing when we get hit hard because it’s just easier and less painful that way. But the real pain is only deferred. You have to live with yourself. You have to live with the voice in your gut, your inner wisdowm, that says you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. When you hear this inner voice speaking to you, it’s usually right. It’s you choice, then, to get up and keep moving forward.

Know What You Want

This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to move forward in life, you need a firm foundation to step from. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation. The how will figure itself out when you know you want to keep moving forward.

Trust

There are no accidents without value. When you get hit hard and land on your back, look for the reasons and for the value in this. Open your heart and trust this happened for a reason. Perhaps it was to test your determination or to alert you to the fact you were on the wrong path. Either way, trust the experience is happening for a reason and be open to making adjustments in order to keep moving forward.

Want it More

How badly do you want it? How badly do you really want to achieve what you are working so hard to accomplish? When you get hit hard, you have an opportunity to answer this question. It’s one thing to say you want to do something, or to be something. But to walk through the pain; to get up and keep moving forward knowing there may be more pain ahead, is a test of your determination and resolve. When you find yourself getting back on your feet, you have indeed answered this question and there’s no doubt you will keep moving forward.

Keep the Faith

Faith: A strong belief in something without proof or evidence
At the end of the day when you are weary from all of the effort and energy you have expended and you are sore and tired from being hit hard so many times, but the dream is not realized, the one thing that tells you to keep going; to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is your faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith is what makes you human. It gives you energy and hope. And if you let it, your faith will deliver you to wherever you want to go in life.

I hope that helps you all.

As you move forward in life, occasionally look ahead to your next horizon. The next challenge you see will give you the drive to keep moving forward. Looking forward will hone your ability to achieve success.

Cheers!! and

Keep moving forward.

Many people are having a bad time in organizations today. It’s not simply those experiencing budget cuts and lay-offs. Many others are experiencing a deep sense of hurt and loss: loss of much of a life outside of work, loss of their hopes and expectations, loss of their trust in the future, loss of confidence in reaching their career goals. The cruelest hurt is the collective loss of belief that things will soon return to normal. In today’s cut-throat world of global competition and corporate greed, it’s hard to know what normal is.

So many losses at one time are hard to bear. When things go wrong like this, we usually get mad or we become depressed. And because we live in a “can do” society, far more people typically get mad. Anger also has a quality of energy that makes you feel that you’re doing something. Depression may follow, but at the beginning you feel buoyed up by that sense of righteous anger.

Of course, to sustain your anger and resentment, you do need a target. You have to be mad at someone or something. So people look around for a suitable scapegoat to take the blame for their disappointment and unhappiness. Where do they find one? “Out there” in the world. The greedy bosses, conniving politicians, job-stealing foreigners, sly financiers, or simply those cursed computers and machines.

I’m not going to excuse those who deserve criticism. But what gets missed is how powerless you make yourself whenever you locate the causes of your hurt “out there.”

If you excuse yourself from any part in what has caused your hurt and pain, you also cut yourself off from responding in ways likely to make your life better. It may feel as if you’re doing something, but mostly you’re inside your head, imagining what you would love to do to the guilty party—if only you had the chance. Can you change Wall Street’s obsession with short-term profits? Can you you give your Tin Man of a boss a heart? And if you act out your feelings and vent your anger on someone you can get to—maybe your colleagues, your friends, or your family—you will have alienated people who might otherwise have been willing to help. Nothing else will have changed. You still have the problem; only now you have people who feel mad at you as well.

The trouble with blaming “them”—whoever “they” are—is that they are also “out there” where you have no direct control and probably little influence. While you dissipate your energy in resentful complaints and self-righteous demands, “they” are untouched.

A friend of mine has a compelling way of putting this: “Whatever you resist tends to persist.” If you direct your anger at someone, they usually fight back, turning a one-time hurt into an on-going conflict. If you blame impersonal forces, they catch your attention again and again, until it’s easy to believe they’re behind every hurt you suffer. The more you fret and fume about “them,” the more power you give “them” over your life, adding to your helplessness.

Whatever happens, you always have the power to choose your response. If you can’t change “them,” you can still change yourself.

When bad times come around, try modifying the responses and attitudes “in here”—in your mind and heart —not “out there.” What happens in our lives is a blend of external events and internal reactions, so changing how you react will always affect the outcome—maybe not completely or instantly, but quite certainly.

The next time something or someone seems to be hell bent on messing up your life, try stopping and asking yourself these questions before you launch into the usual indignant complaints:

• “What have I done (or not done) that has contributed to this problem?”
• “What have I been avoiding that I know I should have faced up to long ago?”
• “What am I postponing that I know I should have done by now?”
• “What am I blaming on others that I know is down to me?”
• “What am I going along with that I know I should refuse?”
• “What am I agreeing to that I know to be false?”
• “What am I accepting that I know is selling me short?”
• “What can I do about the things I’ve just discovered?”

Ask the questions in a spirit of curiosity, with a genuine interest in the answers. Don’t add to your guilt or try to beat yourself up over what you find. Guilt is a worthless emotion and beating yourself up changes nothing. The purpose of this exercise is to help you break through the automatic habit of pushing blame “out there.”

Only when can you see clearly what in your actions or attitudes has contributed to the problem can you discover what you can do that will have some chance of producing change. We’ve all done our share of blameworthy things; we’ve all been the innocent victims of circumstance—then made things worse by our response. As long as you deny accountability for your part in how your life has turned out, you’re held fast in pain and loss. Let go of your baggage and move on.

One of the greatest threats we face today is the relentless increase in global whining. Instead, conserve your energy for the positive task of confronting setbacks and exploring fresh ways to move forward. Don’t let anger and scapegoating others make you helpless. Change what you can and work with what you cannot. If you are honest with yourself, you will be surprised just how much falls into the first category and how little into the second.

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

A simple way to make a good impression.

The expression one wears on one’s face if far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back. Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ” I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” You must have a good time meeting people i f you expect them to have a good time meeting you. You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” -William James. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. “There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.” Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.

Principle 2: Smile.
If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble

The average person is more interested in his or her own name than all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it-and you have plac e yourself at a sharp disadvantage. Whenever you meet a new acquaintance, find out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business or political opinions. Fix all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time you meet that person, even if it was a year later, you will be able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard. Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard to pronounce. Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname. Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. If you don’t hear the name distinctly say excuse me I didn’t get your name clearly. Then, if it is an unusual name, ask how it is spelled. Use the person’s name several times in the conversation; try to associate it in your mind with the person’s featur es, expression and general appearance. Then, when you are alone write the name down on a piece of paper, look at it, and concentrate on it, fix it securely in your mind, in this way you will gain an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression.

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

An easy way to become a good conversationalist

Listen intently; listen because you are genuinely interested. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener-a listener who will be silent with the irate fault-finger dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. Be more eager to hear what a person has to say then even they are to tell it. Many people prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait. All we want when we are in trouble is a friendly, sympathetic listener to unburden yourself. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend. If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence. If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
How to interest people

The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. Make an effort to find out what interests the person then get them talking about it. Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
How to make people like you instantly.

Ask yourself ” What is there about him or her that I can honestly admire?” That is sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers. You want approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that your are important in our little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. So let’s obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us. How? When? Where? The answer is all the time, everywhere. Use little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you, ___.” “Would you please ___?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you.” The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

In a Nutshell: Six ways to make people like you Become genuinely interested in other people.

Smile.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely

Introduction

One of the main searches in our life, we can easily spend our entire lifetime on this quest if not done with a few main ingredients. You could walk right by your soul mate once and never have another chance if you’re not either in the right point in your life or just extremely lucky.

Things You’ll Need

• patience
• love
• understanding
• honesty
• selflessness
• earnesty

You may think that the number one grounds for change on a subject of this matter would involve the changes another would make for you, i.e. Give you a chance with them, view you as desirable, etc. The fact of the matter is that it’s the exact opposite. The first step is an ecumenical one in that though it is the first mindset you must establish. Once established you may immediately move on whether you do so in a matter of minutes or it could take the work of several weeks or months. However it’s not a true step in that while you may move on from the consecutive steps, this one is a step you must constantly be returning to all throughout this process, and ultimately your life. That’s why I call this step the Blanket Step. It covers this entire process from the moment you realize what you want in life is worth self-sacrifice until the end of your life.

Blanket Step: Be willing to self-examine yourself free of any sort of bias.

It doesn’t matter if you feel any part of you physically is ugly or beautiful. It’s a completely internal examination of oneself in which you can never tell yourself that you are a certain way due to any external influence.

Step One

NEVER lie to yourself.

Whether or not you believe in any sort of spiritual beings that have some sort of absolute knowledge of your inner workings, there is one person we can all agree does in fact have the ability toward true insight into us. That person is ourselves. It is not only entirely possible to have a misconstrued view of ourselves, but it is quite common in one aspect or another of all of our lives. Even though doing so is a tactic we use to shield ourselves from some portion of a harsh reality, lying to oneself is about the stupidest thing we human beings have ever thought up. Therefore, step one is a conscientious and ever-constant quest from now, until we meet our end.

Step Two

Seek true beauty

If you want to be able to convince yourself and Angelina Jolie that you are each other’s soul mates by reading this advice column: Stop now, go look at yourself in the mirror, and slap yourself. Afterwards if you still wish to continue, go back to step one and begin reading, and this time comprehend the words. Remember, this is how to find your soul mate, this isn’t how to invent your soul mate. Now that we’re not lying to ourselves, look at your flaws using the blanket step. There’s no such thing as a perfect person physically, mentally, spiritually, socially or otherwise. Where else in life do you compare the negatives of one object to the positives of another? You’re immediately dooming the former.
Say for example you are comparing two flowers. Lets take roses and lilies. You immediately preferred one to the other, but think about this carefully: Can you say that everybody has the exact same preference? Absolutely not. If examined closely and intimately from every aspect, despite the fact they are both generally the same in that they are flowers, they are nothing alike. sure they have similarities, but think of structure, color, fragrance, even exact molecular alignment. They are similar, and maybe even nearly identical if you compare them to a rock, but when compared to each other they are very different. The same thing could be said about people, all you can really decide on is your particular preference. No one is alike enough to be considered superior or inferior, all you really have is preference. That being kept in mind, seek a person’s beauty, don’t compare them to others because it doesn’t truly work like that. All you can really find is your preference and there’s no point in becoming bitter towards someone just because a person is not similar to your preference, or you are not one of theirs. Once you feel every person is a valid as the next, and dare I say, as valid as you, you may start to see a lot more beauty in others that you never noticed before. However, more importantly, you may see a lot more beauty and validity in yourself. When you know that you don’t have to view things a certain way, simply because others want you to, then millions of opportunities open to you. Seek to find true beauty in yourself, because you can’t really compare one person to the next, only have your own preference.
Seek to find true beauty in others, concern yourself with what’s important to you, but let them be what they are.

Step Three

Never lie to your partner

The main problem with relationships that don’t work is that one or both persons involved either couldn’t accept or simply looked past each other’s flaws. Perhaps you weren’t being honest with each other and simply wanted something out of a brief relationship. That’s fine, if it’s completely mutual, but when you must lie to your partner or yourself in order to get some small happiness, the bigger things in life become so much harder to get.

Here is something to remember: If you lie to yourself or your partner you will NOT have a soul mate.

If you are not only completely honest with them and step two is followed, there suddenly becomes absolutely no reason to lie to one another. Have faith in your partner and you can expect them to have faith in you. Suspicion of a partner leaves you no room to protest when they are suspicious of you. Lying to them leaves you no right to expect them not to lie to you. Flaws in your relationship start with you.
Life is good when you always have the strong foundation of absolute trust in your partner.

Step Four

Patience

Don’t judge your partner, and when judged, take it in with an open mind. Examine the point of view unbiased and with desire to find the truth. Realize you have been wrong before, you just may be wrong again in your life, you think? It’s reflex to throw your defenses up when accused. DON’T. If you want this person to be your soul mate you both need to learn to deal with each other completely openly and with no defenses. Next time you think of manipulating your partner, stop and think, what right do you really have? Don’t fall into the trap of telling yourself, “Well, they are my soul mate, it’s harmless” because then what right do you have to express yourself unmanipulated?

Step Five

Live your life

Keep all these things in mind, but perhaps most importantly is that you be who you are. Don’t try to conform because you think you want a certain type of relationship so you have to be a certain way. If you aren’t yourself, wouldn’t it be conceivable that your partner didn’t really fall in love with you, but someone else that you pretended to be? If you like acting, become an actor, don’t let it be the basis your relationship is started on. If you really want someone to see you the way you see yourself, then be yourself, and be happy with who you are.

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